Cash4Gold

A lot of hullabaloo was made over a Canadian man, who recently lost $150,000 to the seriously- no- one- told- you- yet? Nigerian inheritance scam.

Most of the coverage I encountered was colored by some sort of disbelief that anyone, even if they had not heard specifically of this scam*, could be naive enough to send money to complete strangers with little information other than a P.O. box and the promise of future wealth.

Interesting, because I'm pretty sure that's Cash4Gold's ENTIRE business model. "No, really! Send us your valuables! We'll "appraise" them with absolutely no input/supervision from any legitimate evaluator! Honest! We will then send you a check! If you think we lowballed you, and you call to complain, we will tell you your items have already been "liquified!" Did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary and that your epidermis is showing!"

I'm glad to see that this vile company has been vilified* as a scam already on the internet. Too bad it's not enough to prevent a Cash4Gold ad from airing on the Super Bowl this year. NBC rightfully denied previous banishee ashleymadison.com a Super Bowl spot, but replacing it with an appeal to vulnerable cash-strapped Americans to relinquish their (sometimes sentimental) valuables for a fraction of their worth was probably not the best way to reclaim the moral high ground.

*if that is the case, I've got some swampland in Florida to sell you
*intentional double-vile

Next up for Banishment: Stuffed Crust Pizza vs. First Checked Bag fees

Stick Figure Family Stickers

There is very little information your car can communicate via decal that I am interested in. I do not care who you voted for, that your child is an honor student, or that you "support the CHP.*"

I do care if you are a "student driver," because I want to stay the hell away from you. I also care if you believe that "guns don't kill people, people kill people," because I know not to issue you my standard horn-honking-bird-flipping-WTF-face-making trifecta when your driving displeases me. You may have a gun.

But, I most certainly do not give a flying/swimming/jogging/otherwise-in-motion f**k about who is in your family. Why do people do this? It is one of those curious practices that I can easily imagine archaeologists in 10,000 years misinterpreting: "Oh yes, Ancient Americans branded their vehicles with the members of their family to symbolize being one unit, moving forward together into the future." I wish I could call them up from the great beyond to say "Don't even bother, guys...we were just as dumbfounded by it in the present. Focus on dinosaurs instead."

I have half a mind to start stealing the "youngest"sticker from all of these cars and making them into a giant decal on my car under the heading "Have you seen this child?" Except I know that my car is not a Trapper Keeper.

*people seem to think this sticker raises the BAC or speed limit for them personally. It does not.

Next up for Banishment: Cash 4 Gold vs. Mall Cart Vendors

Clamshell Packaging

I was not surprised to learn that clamshell packaging has already been on the receiving end of a few high profile hate-stick beatings.* It is the most infuriatingly anti-consumer contraption contrapted since VCRs that needed a separate rewinder.

Some childproof packaging would more accurately be described as people-proof. At the point where I need scissors or an exacto-knife to birth my Day Quil from its pod, it is no longer "packaging" but rather a capsule in and of itself. Dual time-release technology, if you will. The time it takes me to get to the stupid pill out + the time it takes the enzymes in my stomach to dissolve the gel casing of the medicine.

Assuming your children have short attention spans and no access to sharp objects, childproof packaging at least serves a purpose: to prevent your kids from killing themselves. Clamshell packaging, on the other hand, assisted a perfectly sane grandmother in slitting her wrists while attempting to free her grandson's PS3 controller. So, childproof packaging: suicide-preventer -> clamshell packaging: suicide enabler.

While your vacuum-sealed multi-compartment clamshell packaging may be convenient and economical for you, the producer- it is a giant middle finger to the rest of us.

*Which, incidentally, did not make it any easier to open

Next up for Banishment: Stick Figure Family Stickers vs. Tom's of Maine products

Unilaterally Banished: TMI Holiday Cards

"Twelve Days of Christmas" was supposed to be on the chopping block, but home for the holidays I was reminded of a much more banish-worthy holiday phenomenon: The Too-Much-Information Christmas Card.

As opposed to the my kid/dog/boyfriend is cuter than yours photo card, these cards tend to take the form of an 8 and 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper devoid of a single square centimeter of white space. They read like this:*

"What an exiting year it was for the Johnson family! Little Johnny was accepted to the very exclusive Paying for Playdough Nursery $chool and has made so many friends! That is him dressed as a devil (even though he's our little angel, lol!) with his class for Halloween (see fig. 1A, top right!). His big sister Jenny has had an exciting year too! We went on vacation to Jamaica and she got her hair put in BRAIDS!!! (see fig. 2C 38°53'23"N , 77°00'27"W ). She also received the Most Participatory Award on her soccer team this year. We are very proud!

Joe and I have had quite a big year ourselves! We took a trip back east to see the leaves change and stayed at the most adorable Bed and Breakfasts all over New England (see fig 100D, attached)! Joe was a particular fan of the Lobster Bib....what a great idea!"

I hope you can hear me from wherever you sent this card. That's the sound of me not giving a sh*t.

Next up: Impossible-to-open Clamshell Packaging vs. "Sell by" dates on Perishables**

*These are usually much longer. It has been excerpted to preserve your sanity.
** VS. "use by" dates which actually tell you something.

Television Pre-Caps

"Coming up on "Rock of Love:" Skank 1 and Skank 2 throw s*%t each other. Former Stripper is stomach-pump-ready drunk and calls Token Black Girl a racial slur. And Bret faces his most heartbreaking elimination yet."

I shouldn't hate pre-caps. I should love them for distilling entire segments of stupid reality programming into the 30 seconds where stuff actually happens. Alas, their complete and utter pointlessness, as well as their increasing prevalence and duration, render them more than banishworthy.

If you were not planning on sticking around after the commercial breaks, would any of this pre-cap information really entice you? Just once, I would love to hear that precapper from "The Bachelor" say "Coming up: To absolutely no one's surprise, our Bachelor sends home the tramp that does nothing but cause problems and the gap-toothed quiet girl you probably forgot was even on the show." Then I would definitely tune in.

And, with DVR fast-forwarding, the approximate time between the pre-cap and the next segment of the show is a brisk 1.8 seconds...which is shorter than any pre-cap I've ever seen. Time to get on with the show, already.

Next up for Banishment HOLIDAY EDITION!! The phrase "Seasons Greetings" vs. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Song

The Grammys

What do Paramore, Fall Out Boy, James Blunt, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Plain White Ts have in common?
a) They all really suck.
b) They are all Grammy nominated artists.
c) Both a and b are correct.
d) Neither a nor b are correct.
e) I read "b" and threw up in my mouth a little.

If you answered "c," you are correct. Unfortunately. If you answered "e," that sucks...I hate that feeling.

All awards shows have their bleak moments. We all know that Titanic isn't a Best Picture quality film*, that Judi Dench won for being in approximately 19 seconds of Shakespeare in Love, and that there is an entire telecast devoted to the "best" of Country music.

There is a reason it's called "taste" in music. What is pleasing to one's ear is virtually as subjective as what is pleasing to one's palate. Except when it's not. Because the Pussycat Dolls are the Chef Boyardee Beefaroni of music. Sure you can like it, but make the argument that it's actually good and you run into problems.

The Grammys, in their desperation for ratings and relevance, nominate these artists on the basis of popularity in the vain hope that their fans will tune in. Tune in to watch them give Record of the Year to some Old Guy They've Never Heard of Who Wins Because It Is The Only Name The Old Voters Recognized On The Ballot. Time to give it a rest already.

*But Billy Zane was snubbed.

Up next for Banishment...Television "Pre-Caps"** vs. Lenses That Adjust to Sunlight Levels

**Pre-cap: A clip shown before cutting to commercial revealing everything that happens in the next segment.

Words With Two Correct Spellings

Eddie Izzard closed the door on making fun of English orthography with his genius bit on how the spelling of the word "through" came about. While we are pretty much stuck with the reality that the letters "ough" can represent: 1) a long "u" sound: through, 2) an "f" sound: "enough"or 3) an "oh" sound: dough, it is troubling that the dictionary has been updated enough so that the word "crunk" now appears, but not enough to eliminate multiple correct spellings of commonly used words.

Apparently, the only time "Americanization" means to make anything smaller is as it applies to language, since we had the wherewithal* to eliminate those pesky "u"s from honor, flavor, etc. Although, I maintain that the "u" did serve a phonetic purpose, because we do not pronounce these words flav-ore or hon-ore as the spelling would suggest, but rather flav-uhr and hon-uhr...so do with that what you will.

Our good sense ends there, as we still retain many words with two "correct" spellings, in most cases because of their British roots. How do we explain to little Timmy that he is shortbus material if he spells cat "kat," but that he is free to spell gray "grey," judgment "judgement," or shoveling "shovelling?" Then tell him that exceling, however, MUST be spelled "excelling" and see if he has the wherewithall** not to kick you in the shins.

Time to make up our minds, Yanks.

*why is this spelled with only one "L"?
**that's for you, Timmy

Up next for Banishment: Styrofoam vs. The Grammys