Cash4Gold

A lot of hullabaloo was made over a Canadian man, who recently lost $150,000 to the seriously- no- one- told- you- yet? Nigerian inheritance scam.

Most of the coverage I encountered was colored by some sort of disbelief that anyone, even if they had not heard specifically of this scam*, could be naive enough to send money to complete strangers with little information other than a P.O. box and the promise of future wealth.

Interesting, because I'm pretty sure that's Cash4Gold's ENTIRE business model. "No, really! Send us your valuables! We'll "appraise" them with absolutely no input/supervision from any legitimate evaluator! Honest! We will then send you a check! If you think we lowballed you, and you call to complain, we will tell you your items have already been "liquified!" Did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary and that your epidermis is showing!"

I'm glad to see that this vile company has been vilified* as a scam already on the internet. Too bad it's not enough to prevent a Cash4Gold ad from airing on the Super Bowl this year. NBC rightfully denied previous banishee ashleymadison.com a Super Bowl spot, but replacing it with an appeal to vulnerable cash-strapped Americans to relinquish their (sometimes sentimental) valuables for a fraction of their worth was probably not the best way to reclaim the moral high ground.

*if that is the case, I've got some swampland in Florida to sell you
*intentional double-vile

Next up for Banishment: Stuffed Crust Pizza vs. First Checked Bag fees

Stick Figure Family Stickers

There is very little information your car can communicate via decal that I am interested in. I do not care who you voted for, that your child is an honor student, or that you "support the CHP.*"

I do care if you are a "student driver," because I want to stay the hell away from you. I also care if you believe that "guns don't kill people, people kill people," because I know not to issue you my standard horn-honking-bird-flipping-WTF-face-making trifecta when your driving displeases me. You may have a gun.

But, I most certainly do not give a flying/swimming/jogging/otherwise-in-motion f**k about who is in your family. Why do people do this? It is one of those curious practices that I can easily imagine archaeologists in 10,000 years misinterpreting: "Oh yes, Ancient Americans branded their vehicles with the members of their family to symbolize being one unit, moving forward together into the future." I wish I could call them up from the great beyond to say "Don't even bother, guys...we were just as dumbfounded by it in the present. Focus on dinosaurs instead."

I have half a mind to start stealing the "youngest"sticker from all of these cars and making them into a giant decal on my car under the heading "Have you seen this child?" Except I know that my car is not a Trapper Keeper.

*people seem to think this sticker raises the BAC or speed limit for them personally. It does not.

Next up for Banishment: Cash 4 Gold vs. Mall Cart Vendors

Clamshell Packaging

I was not surprised to learn that clamshell packaging has already been on the receiving end of a few high profile hate-stick beatings.* It is the most infuriatingly anti-consumer contraption contrapted since VCRs that needed a separate rewinder.

Some childproof packaging would more accurately be described as people-proof. At the point where I need scissors or an exacto-knife to birth my Day Quil from its pod, it is no longer "packaging" but rather a capsule in and of itself. Dual time-release technology, if you will. The time it takes me to get to the stupid pill out + the time it takes the enzymes in my stomach to dissolve the gel casing of the medicine.

Assuming your children have short attention spans and no access to sharp objects, childproof packaging at least serves a purpose: to prevent your kids from killing themselves. Clamshell packaging, on the other hand, assisted a perfectly sane grandmother in slitting her wrists while attempting to free her grandson's PS3 controller. So, childproof packaging: suicide-preventer -> clamshell packaging: suicide enabler.

While your vacuum-sealed multi-compartment clamshell packaging may be convenient and economical for you, the producer- it is a giant middle finger to the rest of us.

*Which, incidentally, did not make it any easier to open

Next up for Banishment: Stick Figure Family Stickers vs. Tom's of Maine products

Unilaterally Banished: TMI Holiday Cards

"Twelve Days of Christmas" was supposed to be on the chopping block, but home for the holidays I was reminded of a much more banish-worthy holiday phenomenon: The Too-Much-Information Christmas Card.

As opposed to the my kid/dog/boyfriend is cuter than yours photo card, these cards tend to take the form of an 8 and 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper devoid of a single square centimeter of white space. They read like this:*

"What an exiting year it was for the Johnson family! Little Johnny was accepted to the very exclusive Paying for Playdough Nursery $chool and has made so many friends! That is him dressed as a devil (even though he's our little angel, lol!) with his class for Halloween (see fig. 1A, top right!). His big sister Jenny has had an exciting year too! We went on vacation to Jamaica and she got her hair put in BRAIDS!!! (see fig. 2C 38°53'23"N , 77°00'27"W ). She also received the Most Participatory Award on her soccer team this year. We are very proud!

Joe and I have had quite a big year ourselves! We took a trip back east to see the leaves change and stayed at the most adorable Bed and Breakfasts all over New England (see fig 100D, attached)! Joe was a particular fan of the Lobster Bib....what a great idea!"

I hope you can hear me from wherever you sent this card. That's the sound of me not giving a sh*t.

Next up: Impossible-to-open Clamshell Packaging vs. "Sell by" dates on Perishables**

*These are usually much longer. It has been excerpted to preserve your sanity.
** VS. "use by" dates which actually tell you something.

Television Pre-Caps

"Coming up on "Rock of Love:" Skank 1 and Skank 2 throw s*%t each other. Former Stripper is stomach-pump-ready drunk and calls Token Black Girl a racial slur. And Bret faces his most heartbreaking elimination yet."

I shouldn't hate pre-caps. I should love them for distilling entire segments of stupid reality programming into the 30 seconds where stuff actually happens. Alas, their complete and utter pointlessness, as well as their increasing prevalence and duration, render them more than banishworthy.

If you were not planning on sticking around after the commercial breaks, would any of this pre-cap information really entice you? Just once, I would love to hear that precapper from "The Bachelor" say "Coming up: To absolutely no one's surprise, our Bachelor sends home the tramp that does nothing but cause problems and the gap-toothed quiet girl you probably forgot was even on the show." Then I would definitely tune in.

And, with DVR fast-forwarding, the approximate time between the pre-cap and the next segment of the show is a brisk 1.8 seconds...which is shorter than any pre-cap I've ever seen. Time to get on with the show, already.

Next up for Banishment HOLIDAY EDITION!! The phrase "Seasons Greetings" vs. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Song

The Grammys

What do Paramore, Fall Out Boy, James Blunt, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Plain White Ts have in common?
a) They all really suck.
b) They are all Grammy nominated artists.
c) Both a and b are correct.
d) Neither a nor b are correct.
e) I read "b" and threw up in my mouth a little.

If you answered "c," you are correct. Unfortunately. If you answered "e," that sucks...I hate that feeling.

All awards shows have their bleak moments. We all know that Titanic isn't a Best Picture quality film*, that Judi Dench won for being in approximately 19 seconds of Shakespeare in Love, and that there is an entire telecast devoted to the "best" of Country music.

There is a reason it's called "taste" in music. What is pleasing to one's ear is virtually as subjective as what is pleasing to one's palate. Except when it's not. Because the Pussycat Dolls are the Chef Boyardee Beefaroni of music. Sure you can like it, but make the argument that it's actually good and you run into problems.

The Grammys, in their desperation for ratings and relevance, nominate these artists on the basis of popularity in the vain hope that their fans will tune in. Tune in to watch them give Record of the Year to some Old Guy They've Never Heard of Who Wins Because It Is The Only Name The Old Voters Recognized On The Ballot. Time to give it a rest already.

*But Billy Zane was snubbed.

Up next for Banishment...Television "Pre-Caps"** vs. Lenses That Adjust to Sunlight Levels

**Pre-cap: A clip shown before cutting to commercial revealing everything that happens in the next segment.

Words With Two Correct Spellings

Eddie Izzard closed the door on making fun of English orthography with his genius bit on how the spelling of the word "through" came about. While we are pretty much stuck with the reality that the letters "ough" can represent: 1) a long "u" sound: through, 2) an "f" sound: "enough"or 3) an "oh" sound: dough, it is troubling that the dictionary has been updated enough so that the word "crunk" now appears, but not enough to eliminate multiple correct spellings of commonly used words.

Apparently, the only time "Americanization" means to make anything smaller is as it applies to language, since we had the wherewithal* to eliminate those pesky "u"s from honor, flavor, etc. Although, I maintain that the "u" did serve a phonetic purpose, because we do not pronounce these words flav-ore or hon-ore as the spelling would suggest, but rather flav-uhr and hon-uhr...so do with that what you will.

Our good sense ends there, as we still retain many words with two "correct" spellings, in most cases because of their British roots. How do we explain to little Timmy that he is shortbus material if he spells cat "kat," but that he is free to spell gray "grey," judgment "judgement," or shoveling "shovelling?" Then tell him that exceling, however, MUST be spelled "excelling" and see if he has the wherewithall** not to kick you in the shins.

Time to make up our minds, Yanks.

*why is this spelled with only one "L"?
**that's for you, Timmy

Up next for Banishment: Styrofoam vs. The Grammys

Big Cars with Two Doors

Riding-style boots. David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. Sake. The last four Radiohead albums. Coconuts.

These things are all pretty difficult to get in to, but yield some reward if you have patience and resolve. Particularly if you are stranded on a desert island with the latter as your only form of nourishment. *

Also difficult to get in to? The backseat of cars with two doors! The lever pulling! The seat yanking! The head hitting! All the frustration inevitably resulting in "you know what? Let's take my car instead."

I do not begrudge small cars of the two-door variety. If the VW bug had four doors, I doubt any of them could accommodate a full-sized human. However, there is a Ford F-ing Explorer model with two doors. I'm sorry, but expect that my doors/MPG ratio is better than 1/6.

Next up for Banishment: Automated Pay Parking Garages vs. Words with two correct spellings

*What would a shipwreck movie be without a montage of the protagonist dropping and rock-bashing coconuts until finally devising a reliable way to get to the edible part? It would be a disappointment, that's what.

Stupid Baby Names

Like Crocs or mullets, stupid baby names initially felt too much like low hanging fruit. Then came Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Poor, doomed, Bronx Mowgli.

Firstly, please take a moment to say "Bronx Wentz" out loud five times in a row. As much as I would like to see poor little Bronx avoid the ranks of countless celebrity offspring relegated to "designing t-shirts" or "spinning records," the alternative is far scarier. If he manages to extricate himself and lands, say, in corporate America, some poor sap will have to answer the phone "Bronx Wentz's office" a hundred times a day. This will likely result first in lingual exhaustion, and then in murder-suicide.

And then there's the Mowgli. Mowgli. I hope this means that Pete and Ashlee have accepted that the best thing to do for their son would be to "lose" him in the Indian jungle so that he can be raised by a friendly bear. But I doubt it.

Also, just because his name ends in an "x" does not mean he gets to be automatic besties with Maddox, Pax, and Knox Jolie-Pitt. Maybe he'll have better luck with Sage Moonblood Stallone, Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp, or Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig Palin.

Next items up for Banishment: Big Cars with only 2 doors vs. The Cheesecake Factory

Special Thanksgiving Edition!

In light of the upcoming holiday, it seemed apropos to reflect on some things that will never incur the wrath of this particular blog. While I am most grateful for my amazing family/friends and for generally being dealt a royal flush in the poker game of life, here are some (random) other things this Banisher is thankful for:

Google Maps: Without this, I would have probably gotten lost trying to find my computer to write this entry.

Red Bull: Like coffee. Only awake-er.

Top 40 Radio: Just because I don't need to own "Single Ladies" or "Whatever you Like" does not mean I don't want to hear them. A lot.

Campbells Soup-at-Hand: For those times when even a spoon is one too many dishes to wash.

VH1's Celebreality: They now have a dating show where the prize is two men who were rejected by a woman called New York, who is famous for being rejected by Flavor Flav. Women are competing for Flavor Flav's castoff's sloppy seconds. The joke is on us and they are laughing all the way to the bank.

Being a child in the 90s: We had the best Disney movies, Nick in the Afternoon, and awesome teen idols. We still wanted to be astronauts when we grew up."Hope" was not a buzzword or something that had to be reclaimed. We could turn on the TV without being reminded that the Earth was melting or that there are organizations that hate and seek to destroy us. I hope we can get back to this place.

Have a safe and wonderful holiday. Stupid Baby Names are on the chopping block next Tuesday.

Joggers on Busy Streets

Forgive me if this post is too LA-specific, but this is a phenomenon I have also noticed in San Francisco and New York (where I suppose you could contend most streets are busy, but I digress).

Sitting on the patio at Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd., one of the most famed thoroughfares in Southern California, I counted eleven (11!) joggers going by.* It would be difficult to find a street to jog with more 1) stoplights 2) traffic 3) junkies** 4) smoke-filled outdoor patios. My companion at the time wagered that perhaps they were wannabe actors hoping to be discovered.

If that is the case, I would recommend these jogger-actors that reach out to the car-honkers, to see how many dates with women they have procured by laying on the horn as they drive by. I don't think the best first impressions are made as one party is in a blur of motion, but perhaps I am just old fashioned that way.

I understand it may be difficult to avoid busy streets all together, but what perplexes me is why these joggers choose noisy, polluted, congested streets as their route of choice as opposed to smaller streets in a residential neighborhood. Oh, and please stop trying to make me feel bad about being in your way. It's a sideWALK. Not a sideJOG.

*Bottomless Mimosa brunch, and no, I was not there all day
**Hurdles?

Next up for Banishment: Nail Art vs. Stupid Baby Names

Waiters Who Don't Write Down Orders

Doctor: We'll operate first thing in the morning!
Patient: I'm sorry doctor, but I couldn't help but notice you haven't written anything down in my chart since I was admitted.
Doctor: Well, that's because I am an excellent doctor.
Patient: Yes. I'm sure you are. But--
Doctor: No "buts." It's all up here (points to head). There's nothing to worry about really. It's a very minor procedure.
Patient: Really? A double-amputation is minor?
Doctor: Oh. You're not the appendectomy?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Hm. Well, I best be on my way before your friend here in Bed #1 wakes up. With no legs. And a ruptured appendix. Damn.

When a server does not write down your order, one of two things happen:

1) Your order arrives in a timely fashion and is correct down to the last detail. You are pleased, and you tip in a manner commensurate to how you ordinarily would for good service. You most likely do not even remember or care that the server did not write down your order.

2) Your order is incomplete/incorrect*/arrives out of order. Suddenly you are IRATE. If only they had written down your order, this could have been avoided. Why do they do this? Do they think I am impressed that they can get 90% of an order correct without writing it down? Well, guess what? There is no A- in Bringing me My Dinner. It is graded on a pass/fail basis. You FAIL.

It has come to my attention that many servers who do not write down orders are required not to by their employers. In these cases, those employers are the intended recipients of my ire. I also know that waiters and waitresses work very, very hard, and often have to deal with outrageously rude customers...it is just beyond me that they would forgo a rudimentary instrument that makes their lives so much easier.

*I said no cilantro.

Next up for Banishment: Joggers on busy streets vs. Second Life

AshleyMadison.com

For those of you who did not click the link, ashleymadison.com is a dating website for married people looking to have an affair. Their tagline: "Life is short. Have an affair." Originally, it was: "Life is short. Life is shorter if your spouse finds you on this website and there is a loaded gun in your house," but for some reason, that deterred a lot of potential clients.

As horribly painful as the admission of an impulsive bad decision or developing feelings for someone else would be, how in a million years could you soften the blow if your wife/husband found out you were using this service?!?! "Honey...I'm so sorry. I just wanted to sleep with someone else. Anyone else, really. Just so long as it wasn't you. So, yeah. This was totally premeditated and had nothing to do with being tempted by another specific individual or situation. My criteria? Just one. Not you."

I'm most intrigued by the people who run and profit off of this website. And how it is that they offer an affair guarantee program, for the most dedicated of cheaters. Not to sound all old school or square...but seriously. Where are your mothers? Oh! it's this guy. And in this interview, he says he would be "hurt beyond belief" if he found out his wife were using the site. *Head explodes.* Do unto others, indeed...

Next item to be Banished: Non-Stop CNN Ticker vs. Waiters/Waitresses who don't write down your order

Car Alarms

At some point our lives, a parent or teacher relates to us the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. By the tender age of three, we typically understand that screaming bloody murder for no reason will make it much more difficult to get attention when we actually need it. There are some exceptions.

So. Makers/buyers of car alarms. Did your parents not read to you when you were young? If they did, you were clearly not paying attention to the Wolf-crying Boy and his ensuing plight. I doubt there is a single instance in car alarms' entire history of someone hearing a car alarm and exclaiming, "Honey, a car alarm! Quick, call the police!...Nevermind there's no time for that we must STOP THE ROBBER!" Even if we accept that the sound will deter a robber once it has been set off...at that point they have already broken into your car.

Much like the parents of the wolf crier, we have become conditioned to ignore the shrieking of car alarms because we know that they are not indicators of any actual peril. The list of things more likely to set off a car alarm than a break-in is quite substantial: a neighborhood cat, a love-tap from another car, a grazing by a bicycle, a gust of wind, a statistically insignificant change in atmospheric pressure or temperature, an electrical malfunction of the stupid device itself, and so on.

Stop the noise pollution. Go lo-jack. Or go old school.

Next items up for Banishment: Ringback tones vs. AshleyMadison.com

The Wave

The wikipedia page for the wave features more than five persons or organizations claiming to have started it. This seems foolish. Now we know who you a-holes are...and that you want to take credit for it!

More than the sweaty drunk guy who feels the need to educate everyone in shouting range on exactly who "sucks."* More than the steadily depreciating quality of the giveaways.** More than the 16oz beer that costs as much as a seat in the bleachers.*** More than all of these things, the wave is the single greatest annoyance to a normal, non-ridiculous sporting event attendee.

Not only do I have to put all of my food on the ground and stand up, but you want me to raise my arms over my head and go "wooooo"? I'm sorry I thought we were adults. And that we were not on a roller coaster. Actually...I thought we were here TO WATCH AN F-ING BASEBALL GAME.

Originally, the "purpose" of the wave (if you can dignify it with such a thing), was to be a distraction to opposing pitchers. This has somehow gotten lost on the sophisticates who start the wave at critical pitching moments for home team. Nice work, morons.

*For the record, it's Barry
**If you try to give me a certificate that I have to redeem at Target, I will hurt you
***Where they don't serve beer, incidentally

Next up for Banishment...Saying "Bless You" re: a sneeze vs. Car Alarms

Undecided Voters

A special election day posting...tune in Thursday when the wave gets its comeuppance.

Yesterday, CNN estimated that as many as 5% of American voters may not have made up their minds about who to vote for: Barack Obama or John McCain.

One of the most exciting/inspiring things about this election has been Obama's ability to appeal to first-time or historically non-Democratic voters. But seriously...one day to go and you are still not sure? Obama. McCain. Obama. McCain. This is not tomayto tomahto, people. And we will certainly not be calling the whole thing off.

What are you "undecideds" waiting for? For someone to de-mask Obama Scooby-Doo style and reveal that he is actually Bill Clinton (or Hillary?)? For Ashton Kutcher to interrupt a McCain/Palin rally with Joe Lieberman and announce that the Republican party did not foist a gun-toting, evolution-non-believing, public-high-school-sized-town-governing woman upon him as a running mate...but that he had been punk'd? I would very much like to know what piece of information could possibly change your mind at this point!

Actually, I know who you are. You are that person who gets to the front of a 10-minute line at Subway, goes "uhhhh..." and then proceeds to select each topping with a pace suggesting that this is the first sandwich you have ever consumed in your human life. That person drives me bazooka bonkers. And so do you, undecided voter.

RESULTS: Wax Fruit vs. Nutrition Facts On Water Bottles

The case against Wax Fruit:
It almost does not seem fair to go after decorations for banishment. They are, by their very nature, frivolous and arbitrary; and any evaluation of them is strictly a matter of taste. Wax fruit, however, goes above and beyond.

OK, so you like the look of fruit. You know what is really inexpensive and would look quite pretty in your country-French style kitchen? A BOWL OF F-ING FRUIT. If no one in your family likes to eat fruit, then maybe you shouldn't be paying homage to it. Fake flowers, while similarly deceptive, at least do not look delicious.

The case against Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles The adult human body is between 50-60% water. Really, these "nutrition facts" should just say, "Ingredients: YOU." Instead, we get a chart comprised completely of zeros because someone idiot out there is afraid that their water accounts for a % Daily Value of carbohydrates.

The one piece of information that might actually be relevant about bottled water, the mineral content, is relegated to 2 point font under "ingredients." I'm pretty damn sure that my water is devoid of dietary fiber, but it might be useful to know just how much Magnesium Oxide I am ingesting.

The Verdict:
In terms of uselessness, these two items are in a dead tie. However, in terms of ubiquity, water bottles seem to have the advantage. We need water to live, and even the most environmentally conscious sometimes have no choice but to reach for an Aquafina. Wax fruit, while annoying, is not as closely associated with an essence of life. So...Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles, I proclaim thee Banished!

Up Next for Banishment: The Wave (at Baseball games) vs. Chalkboards
Note: New entries will now appear Tuesday/Thursday...I flipped a coin between Esperanto and Wax Fruit for the playoffs, and since wax fruit won the whole category we can move on...

BANISHED PRESENTS: The Previously Pardoned Playoffs!

So, many of you have reached out to your resident Banisher to ask, "What happens to the things that lose? Will we ever have a chance to Banish them again? What r u wearin' right now?*"

Allow me to answer the first two questions with...an answer: the Previously Pardoned Playoffs! After every 12 entries, items narrowly escaping Banishment will be back up on the chopping block. In the polls, they are divided into two groups; you can vote in both. After all your votes are tallied, the two winning (losing?) entries will go head-to-head in a Very Special** Entry which will be posted on Thursday.

As usual, use the comments to make your case for the items that didn't get what was coming to them the first time around. And Banish away!!

*For this question, "many" refers to one stranger on MySpace with the username HardBod4U2Nite
**Like that episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills

Esperanto and Wax Fruit resulted in a tie at the last minute. I am still deciding what that means, but not to worry...they will have their comeuppance after the Previously Pardoned Playoffs.

Halloween Greeting Cards

Greeting card companies have taken a lot of flack over the years for their so-called "manufactured" holidays: Valentine's Day, Mothers'/Fathers' Day, Secretaries-turned-
Office-Professionals' Day, etc.

While there may be validity to those criticisms, the greatest hoodwink by the greeting card industry manages to somehow escape unscathed: they have convinced people that Halloween is an appropriate holiday for the exchanging of cards!

Halloween is a hedonistic holiday of excess (whether the sugar is in Snickers form or of the fermented liquid variety, Halloween revelers of all ages tend to have upset tummies the day after). Its history is pagan, and the theme is death. All the self-sticking cartoon skeletons and Jack-o-Lantern Peeps you can eat do not change the fact that this "holiday" is inexorable from its dead-mingling-with-the-living roots.

So, before you send a loved one a $4 card adorned with some warm-fuzzied version of a truly macabre symbol, consider whether they'd rather just have a phone call instead.

Next up for Banishment: Esperanto or Wax Fruit

Prescription Drug Ads

These ads are so Banish-worthy that it is almost difficult to be too hard* on them. They are either totally ambiguous or creepily TMI-y: universally irritating but in contradictory ways.

Psychiatric drugs typically fall into the first camp. If we believe the ads, these drugs all possess the ability to transform one's world from black and white to beautiful Technicolor in bizarrely Oz-ian fashion. Also, with a prescription, the likelihood of a significant other, golden retrievers, balloons, and proximity to a beach/meadow for convenient frolicking is enhanced.

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the over-explaining if-your-erection-lasts-more-than-five-hours-seriously-you-
let-it-go-on-for-that-long? offenders. In a country that almost picked up the red phone over Janet Jackson's partially exposed breast, how are commercials about boner drugs given a pass? How are our nation's parents answering the question, "Daddy, what is e.d. and what does it have to do with Elvis?"

These criticisms pale in comparison to the most Banish-worthy characteristic of prescription drug ads: they are among the only commercials on television for things you can't actually buy.** You shouldn't be "asking your doctor" about pills...they should be evaluating your symptoms and prescribing them based on their analysis. That's why they have the fancy ",MD." on their business cards and you don't.

*that's what she said, pre-Cialis
**except on the internet or in the countries bordering ours in either direction

Next up for Banishment: Frisee or Halloween Greeting Cards