Television Pre-Caps

"Coming up on "Rock of Love:" Skank 1 and Skank 2 throw s*%t each other. Former Stripper is stomach-pump-ready drunk and calls Token Black Girl a racial slur. And Bret faces his most heartbreaking elimination yet."

I shouldn't hate pre-caps. I should love them for distilling entire segments of stupid reality programming into the 30 seconds where stuff actually happens. Alas, their complete and utter pointlessness, as well as their increasing prevalence and duration, render them more than banishworthy.

If you were not planning on sticking around after the commercial breaks, would any of this pre-cap information really entice you? Just once, I would love to hear that precapper from "The Bachelor" say "Coming up: To absolutely no one's surprise, our Bachelor sends home the tramp that does nothing but cause problems and the gap-toothed quiet girl you probably forgot was even on the show." Then I would definitely tune in.

And, with DVR fast-forwarding, the approximate time between the pre-cap and the next segment of the show is a brisk 1.8 seconds...which is shorter than any pre-cap I've ever seen. Time to get on with the show, already.

Next up for Banishment HOLIDAY EDITION!! The phrase "Seasons Greetings" vs. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Song

The Grammys

What do Paramore, Fall Out Boy, James Blunt, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Plain White Ts have in common?
a) They all really suck.
b) They are all Grammy nominated artists.
c) Both a and b are correct.
d) Neither a nor b are correct.
e) I read "b" and threw up in my mouth a little.

If you answered "c," you are correct. Unfortunately. If you answered "e," that sucks...I hate that feeling.

All awards shows have their bleak moments. We all know that Titanic isn't a Best Picture quality film*, that Judi Dench won for being in approximately 19 seconds of Shakespeare in Love, and that there is an entire telecast devoted to the "best" of Country music.

There is a reason it's called "taste" in music. What is pleasing to one's ear is virtually as subjective as what is pleasing to one's palate. Except when it's not. Because the Pussycat Dolls are the Chef Boyardee Beefaroni of music. Sure you can like it, but make the argument that it's actually good and you run into problems.

The Grammys, in their desperation for ratings and relevance, nominate these artists on the basis of popularity in the vain hope that their fans will tune in. Tune in to watch them give Record of the Year to some Old Guy They've Never Heard of Who Wins Because It Is The Only Name The Old Voters Recognized On The Ballot. Time to give it a rest already.

*But Billy Zane was snubbed.

Up next for Banishment...Television "Pre-Caps"** vs. Lenses That Adjust to Sunlight Levels

**Pre-cap: A clip shown before cutting to commercial revealing everything that happens in the next segment.

Words With Two Correct Spellings

Eddie Izzard closed the door on making fun of English orthography with his genius bit on how the spelling of the word "through" came about. While we are pretty much stuck with the reality that the letters "ough" can represent: 1) a long "u" sound: through, 2) an "f" sound: "enough"or 3) an "oh" sound: dough, it is troubling that the dictionary has been updated enough so that the word "crunk" now appears, but not enough to eliminate multiple correct spellings of commonly used words.

Apparently, the only time "Americanization" means to make anything smaller is as it applies to language, since we had the wherewithal* to eliminate those pesky "u"s from honor, flavor, etc. Although, I maintain that the "u" did serve a phonetic purpose, because we do not pronounce these words flav-ore or hon-ore as the spelling would suggest, but rather flav-uhr and hon-uhr...so do with that what you will.

Our good sense ends there, as we still retain many words with two "correct" spellings, in most cases because of their British roots. How do we explain to little Timmy that he is shortbus material if he spells cat "kat," but that he is free to spell gray "grey," judgment "judgement," or shoveling "shovelling?" Then tell him that exceling, however, MUST be spelled "excelling" and see if he has the wherewithall** not to kick you in the shins.

Time to make up our minds, Yanks.

*why is this spelled with only one "L"?
**that's for you, Timmy

Up next for Banishment: Styrofoam vs. The Grammys

Big Cars with Two Doors

Riding-style boots. David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. Sake. The last four Radiohead albums. Coconuts.

These things are all pretty difficult to get in to, but yield some reward if you have patience and resolve. Particularly if you are stranded on a desert island with the latter as your only form of nourishment. *

Also difficult to get in to? The backseat of cars with two doors! The lever pulling! The seat yanking! The head hitting! All the frustration inevitably resulting in "you know what? Let's take my car instead."

I do not begrudge small cars of the two-door variety. If the VW bug had four doors, I doubt any of them could accommodate a full-sized human. However, there is a Ford F-ing Explorer model with two doors. I'm sorry, but expect that my doors/MPG ratio is better than 1/6.

Next up for Banishment: Automated Pay Parking Garages vs. Words with two correct spellings

*What would a shipwreck movie be without a montage of the protagonist dropping and rock-bashing coconuts until finally devising a reliable way to get to the edible part? It would be a disappointment, that's what.

Stupid Baby Names

Like Crocs or mullets, stupid baby names initially felt too much like low hanging fruit. Then came Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Poor, doomed, Bronx Mowgli.

Firstly, please take a moment to say "Bronx Wentz" out loud five times in a row. As much as I would like to see poor little Bronx avoid the ranks of countless celebrity offspring relegated to "designing t-shirts" or "spinning records," the alternative is far scarier. If he manages to extricate himself and lands, say, in corporate America, some poor sap will have to answer the phone "Bronx Wentz's office" a hundred times a day. This will likely result first in lingual exhaustion, and then in murder-suicide.

And then there's the Mowgli. Mowgli. I hope this means that Pete and Ashlee have accepted that the best thing to do for their son would be to "lose" him in the Indian jungle so that he can be raised by a friendly bear. But I doubt it.

Also, just because his name ends in an "x" does not mean he gets to be automatic besties with Maddox, Pax, and Knox Jolie-Pitt. Maybe he'll have better luck with Sage Moonblood Stallone, Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp, or Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig Palin.

Next items up for Banishment: Big Cars with only 2 doors vs. The Cheesecake Factory

Special Thanksgiving Edition!

In light of the upcoming holiday, it seemed apropos to reflect on some things that will never incur the wrath of this particular blog. While I am most grateful for my amazing family/friends and for generally being dealt a royal flush in the poker game of life, here are some (random) other things this Banisher is thankful for:

Google Maps: Without this, I would have probably gotten lost trying to find my computer to write this entry.

Red Bull: Like coffee. Only awake-er.

Top 40 Radio: Just because I don't need to own "Single Ladies" or "Whatever you Like" does not mean I don't want to hear them. A lot.

Campbells Soup-at-Hand: For those times when even a spoon is one too many dishes to wash.

VH1's Celebreality: They now have a dating show where the prize is two men who were rejected by a woman called New York, who is famous for being rejected by Flavor Flav. Women are competing for Flavor Flav's castoff's sloppy seconds. The joke is on us and they are laughing all the way to the bank.

Being a child in the 90s: We had the best Disney movies, Nick in the Afternoon, and awesome teen idols. We still wanted to be astronauts when we grew up."Hope" was not a buzzword or something that had to be reclaimed. We could turn on the TV without being reminded that the Earth was melting or that there are organizations that hate and seek to destroy us. I hope we can get back to this place.

Have a safe and wonderful holiday. Stupid Baby Names are on the chopping block next Tuesday.

Joggers on Busy Streets

Forgive me if this post is too LA-specific, but this is a phenomenon I have also noticed in San Francisco and New York (where I suppose you could contend most streets are busy, but I digress).

Sitting on the patio at Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd., one of the most famed thoroughfares in Southern California, I counted eleven (11!) joggers going by.* It would be difficult to find a street to jog with more 1) stoplights 2) traffic 3) junkies** 4) smoke-filled outdoor patios. My companion at the time wagered that perhaps they were wannabe actors hoping to be discovered.

If that is the case, I would recommend these jogger-actors that reach out to the car-honkers, to see how many dates with women they have procured by laying on the horn as they drive by. I don't think the best first impressions are made as one party is in a blur of motion, but perhaps I am just old fashioned that way.

I understand it may be difficult to avoid busy streets all together, but what perplexes me is why these joggers choose noisy, polluted, congested streets as their route of choice as opposed to smaller streets in a residential neighborhood. Oh, and please stop trying to make me feel bad about being in your way. It's a sideWALK. Not a sideJOG.

*Bottomless Mimosa brunch, and no, I was not there all day
**Hurdles?

Next up for Banishment: Nail Art vs. Stupid Baby Names