Cash4Gold

A lot of hullabaloo was made over a Canadian man, who recently lost $150,000 to the seriously- no- one- told- you- yet? Nigerian inheritance scam.

Most of the coverage I encountered was colored by some sort of disbelief that anyone, even if they had not heard specifically of this scam*, could be naive enough to send money to complete strangers with little information other than a P.O. box and the promise of future wealth.

Interesting, because I'm pretty sure that's Cash4Gold's ENTIRE business model. "No, really! Send us your valuables! We'll "appraise" them with absolutely no input/supervision from any legitimate evaluator! Honest! We will then send you a check! If you think we lowballed you, and you call to complain, we will tell you your items have already been "liquified!" Did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary and that your epidermis is showing!"

I'm glad to see that this vile company has been vilified* as a scam already on the internet. Too bad it's not enough to prevent a Cash4Gold ad from airing on the Super Bowl this year. NBC rightfully denied previous banishee ashleymadison.com a Super Bowl spot, but replacing it with an appeal to vulnerable cash-strapped Americans to relinquish their (sometimes sentimental) valuables for a fraction of their worth was probably not the best way to reclaim the moral high ground.

*if that is the case, I've got some swampland in Florida to sell you
*intentional double-vile

Next up for Banishment: Stuffed Crust Pizza vs. First Checked Bag fees

Stick Figure Family Stickers

There is very little information your car can communicate via decal that I am interested in. I do not care who you voted for, that your child is an honor student, or that you "support the CHP.*"

I do care if you are a "student driver," because I want to stay the hell away from you. I also care if you believe that "guns don't kill people, people kill people," because I know not to issue you my standard horn-honking-bird-flipping-WTF-face-making trifecta when your driving displeases me. You may have a gun.

But, I most certainly do not give a flying/swimming/jogging/otherwise-in-motion f**k about who is in your family. Why do people do this? It is one of those curious practices that I can easily imagine archaeologists in 10,000 years misinterpreting: "Oh yes, Ancient Americans branded their vehicles with the members of their family to symbolize being one unit, moving forward together into the future." I wish I could call them up from the great beyond to say "Don't even bother, guys...we were just as dumbfounded by it in the present. Focus on dinosaurs instead."

I have half a mind to start stealing the "youngest"sticker from all of these cars and making them into a giant decal on my car under the heading "Have you seen this child?" Except I know that my car is not a Trapper Keeper.

*people seem to think this sticker raises the BAC or speed limit for them personally. It does not.

Next up for Banishment: Cash 4 Gold vs. Mall Cart Vendors

Clamshell Packaging

I was not surprised to learn that clamshell packaging has already been on the receiving end of a few high profile hate-stick beatings.* It is the most infuriatingly anti-consumer contraption contrapted since VCRs that needed a separate rewinder.

Some childproof packaging would more accurately be described as people-proof. At the point where I need scissors or an exacto-knife to birth my Day Quil from its pod, it is no longer "packaging" but rather a capsule in and of itself. Dual time-release technology, if you will. The time it takes me to get to the stupid pill out + the time it takes the enzymes in my stomach to dissolve the gel casing of the medicine.

Assuming your children have short attention spans and no access to sharp objects, childproof packaging at least serves a purpose: to prevent your kids from killing themselves. Clamshell packaging, on the other hand, assisted a perfectly sane grandmother in slitting her wrists while attempting to free her grandson's PS3 controller. So, childproof packaging: suicide-preventer -> clamshell packaging: suicide enabler.

While your vacuum-sealed multi-compartment clamshell packaging may be convenient and economical for you, the producer- it is a giant middle finger to the rest of us.

*Which, incidentally, did not make it any easier to open

Next up for Banishment: Stick Figure Family Stickers vs. Tom's of Maine products

Unilaterally Banished: TMI Holiday Cards

"Twelve Days of Christmas" was supposed to be on the chopping block, but home for the holidays I was reminded of a much more banish-worthy holiday phenomenon: The Too-Much-Information Christmas Card.

As opposed to the my kid/dog/boyfriend is cuter than yours photo card, these cards tend to take the form of an 8 and 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper devoid of a single square centimeter of white space. They read like this:*

"What an exiting year it was for the Johnson family! Little Johnny was accepted to the very exclusive Paying for Playdough Nursery $chool and has made so many friends! That is him dressed as a devil (even though he's our little angel, lol!) with his class for Halloween (see fig. 1A, top right!). His big sister Jenny has had an exciting year too! We went on vacation to Jamaica and she got her hair put in BRAIDS!!! (see fig. 2C 38°53'23"N , 77°00'27"W ). She also received the Most Participatory Award on her soccer team this year. We are very proud!

Joe and I have had quite a big year ourselves! We took a trip back east to see the leaves change and stayed at the most adorable Bed and Breakfasts all over New England (see fig 100D, attached)! Joe was a particular fan of the Lobster Bib....what a great idea!"

I hope you can hear me from wherever you sent this card. That's the sound of me not giving a sh*t.

Next up: Impossible-to-open Clamshell Packaging vs. "Sell by" dates on Perishables**

*These are usually much longer. It has been excerpted to preserve your sanity.
** VS. "use by" dates which actually tell you something.