"Twelve Days of Christmas" was supposed to be on the chopping block, but home for the holidays I was reminded of a much more banish-worthy holiday phenomenon: The Too-Much-Information Christmas Card.As opposed to the my kid/dog/boyfriend is cuter than yours photo card, these cards tend to take the form of an 8 and 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper devoid of a single square centimeter of white space. They read like this:*
"What an exiting year it was for the Johnson family! Little Johnny was accepted to the very exclusive Paying for Playdough Nursery $chool and has made so many friends! That is him dressed as a devil (even though he's our little angel, lol!) with his class for Halloween (see fig. 1A, top right!). His big sister Jenny has had an exciting year too! We went on vacation to
Joe and I have had quite a big year ourselves! We took a trip back east to see the leaves change and stayed at the most adorable Bed and Breakfasts all over New England (see fig 100D, attached)! Joe was a particular fan of the Lobster Bib....what a great idea!"
I hope you can hear me from wherever you sent this card. That's the sound of me not giving a sh*t.
Next up: Impossible-to-open Clamshell Packaging vs. "Sell by" dates on Perishables**
*These are usually much longer. It has been excerpted to preserve your sanity.
** VS. "use by" dates which actually tell you something.
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3 comments:
As if there's even a debate. That damned clamshell packaging.
best. banished. ever.
Fuckin' Classic.
I actually wrote back to one of these cards with the most negative responses.
"Well, the wife and I would love to wish you a very merry holiday, but since she's been unemployeed for about two months we had to get the cheapest cards possible.
No the kid on the front isn't ours. Sadly ours isn't that cute, but the fact remains your kid will probably excell in everything in life except having one.
Wishing you had a very f'd holiday."
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