Watches/Clocks with No Numbers

Timepieces, like cars, homes, and clothing, dwell squarely at the intersection of form and function. The fact that the market is limited for cars without engines, homes without roofs, and pants without crotches*, would seem to indicate that we do not hold timepieces to the same "function" standard as their counterparts. Because clocks and watches without numbers are f*@#ing everywhere.

With very few notable exceptions the primary function of any timepiece is to tell time. To their credit, clocks without numbers do indeed keep track of the time. However, they do a appalling job of communicating that time, rendering them about as useful as an English-to- Gobbledygook phrasebook. The question, "what time is it?" should never be a stumper.

Proponents of watches and clocks without numbers ask that we excuse them on grounds of aesthetics or luxury. There are limits to such exemptions in other areas, so why not in time-telling?

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
Driver: No officer, this is a very nice car.
Office: Excuse me?
Driver: Oh, forgive me, commoner! You did not actually think my speedometer was equipped with numbers! (to passenger) I find that quite diverting!
Passenger: I say! How very diverting indeed!

*I said limited, not non-existent.

Next items up for banishment: Erasable Pens or Dolls that Wet Themselves

Orange Juice with Pulp

Customer: Can I get a beer?
Bartender: Sure...would you like that with hops or no hops?
Customer: Huh?
Bartender: Do you want little remnants of the stuff used to make the beer floating in it?
Customer: Ew. No. Why would I want that?

EXACTLY.

We don't want hops in our beer, leaves in our iced tea, or curd in our milk, so why do we want things floating in our orange juice? A toothpick should not be required after consuming a beverage*

Minute Maid: you are not fooling anyone with your pulp. Your juice comes in a carton! We know it is not fresh-squeezed! The cat is out of the bag (and she hates your pulp too)! How is it even possible to have orange juice with pulp that is "from concentrate?" Do they dry and then rehydrate the pulp? Is the "concentrate" just a thick, pulp-y sludge like the frozen OJ? Either way, YUM!

Also, could the word "pulp" be any grosser? Go ahead and say it a few times out loud if you think you still want it in your orange juice.

*exception: mojito

Next items up for banishment: Vanity License Plates or Watches/Clocks with No Numbers (vote now in the comments!)

Ashtrays in Airplane Bathrooms

Things that have happened since the first ban on smoking on airplanes was enacted in 1988:

1) The Berlin wall is dismantled
2) The US, USSR*, Japan and eleven European countries collaborate to build and launch into orbit the first International Space Station
3) *USSR stops being the "USSR" (which, oddly, does not get James Bond to leave it alone)
4) The food pyramid, suggesting that humans consume 6-11 (11?!) servings of carbohydrates each day, is "re-evaluated"
5) Every member of the 2008 Chinese Women's Gymnastics Olympic team is born, becomes an Olympian.
6) State-of-the-art tamper-proof smoke detectors are installed in airplane bathrooms

Things that have not happened since the first ban on smoking on airplanes was enacted in 1988:
1) Ashtrays are removed from airplane bathrooms (or lavatories...as they are called absolutely nowhere else).

As the war among airlines to appear the most up-to-date wages on (Virgin: Electrical outlets and touch-screen ordering right at your f&*#ing seat! Beat that JetBlue!), they inexplicably allow the most conspicuous indicators of how old their aircrafts really are to remain.

Did the individual who installed the smoke detector, the "no smoking" sign, AND the "tampering with this device will result in a $200 million fine and possible dismembering/internment in Cambodian prison" sign, look around the bathroom and say to himself, "My work here is done! There is nothing else I could possibly do to make it clear that you are not allowed to smoke in here!"? (ed. note to installer: At least put the sign over the ashtray!)

Perhaps the deep, dark secret is that somehow these ashtrays are a critical component of the aircraft's engineering, and removing them would require a complete mechanical overhaul to the tune of billions of dollars per fleet. Don't think so? Me either.

Next items up for Banishment: Ticketmaster, or Orange Juice with Pulp

Push to Talk

Calling or texting not immediate enough for you? Do you sit back and think "Gosh, I wish the person I want to speak to could hear my voice immediately...no pesky ringing or vibrating to clue them in to my intrusion!" Do you crave the garbled, crackling sound quality only a walkie-talkie (or a drive through window!) can offer?

You don't, you say? Shocking! But apparently Verizon/Cingular/Various pay-as you go (criminals! inquire within!) cell phone services think you do!

One can only imagine the conversations that gave rise to this technology:

Engineer #1: You know what is so annoying?
Engineer #2: What?
Engineer #1: Answering my cell phone. I hate it!
Engineer #3: You know what I wish?
Engineer #1: That everyone in a 15 foot radius could hear both sides of my cell phone conversations!
Engineer #2: I think we might be on to something...

Oh! And just like a walkie-talkie...only ONE person can speak at a time. That's right. If you're pushing the button while the other person is talking, you won't be able to hear each other. Charming! A NEW technology that is exactly like an OLD technology that is vastly inferior to the technology of a regular cellular phone in every way.

Next items up for Banishment: Magazine Perfume Samples or Ashtrays in Airplane Bathrooms