Television Pre-Caps

"Coming up on "Rock of Love:" Skank 1 and Skank 2 throw s*%t each other. Former Stripper is stomach-pump-ready drunk and calls Token Black Girl a racial slur. And Bret faces his most heartbreaking elimination yet."

I shouldn't hate pre-caps. I should love them for distilling entire segments of stupid reality programming into the 30 seconds where stuff actually happens. Alas, their complete and utter pointlessness, as well as their increasing prevalence and duration, render them more than banishworthy.

If you were not planning on sticking around after the commercial breaks, would any of this pre-cap information really entice you? Just once, I would love to hear that precapper from "The Bachelor" say "Coming up: To absolutely no one's surprise, our Bachelor sends home the tramp that does nothing but cause problems and the gap-toothed quiet girl you probably forgot was even on the show." Then I would definitely tune in.

And, with DVR fast-forwarding, the approximate time between the pre-cap and the next segment of the show is a brisk 1.8 seconds...which is shorter than any pre-cap I've ever seen. Time to get on with the show, already.

Next up for Banishment HOLIDAY EDITION!! The phrase "Seasons Greetings" vs. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Song

The Grammys

What do Paramore, Fall Out Boy, James Blunt, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Plain White Ts have in common?
a) They all really suck.
b) They are all Grammy nominated artists.
c) Both a and b are correct.
d) Neither a nor b are correct.
e) I read "b" and threw up in my mouth a little.

If you answered "c," you are correct. Unfortunately. If you answered "e," that sucks...I hate that feeling.

All awards shows have their bleak moments. We all know that Titanic isn't a Best Picture quality film*, that Judi Dench won for being in approximately 19 seconds of Shakespeare in Love, and that there is an entire telecast devoted to the "best" of Country music.

There is a reason it's called "taste" in music. What is pleasing to one's ear is virtually as subjective as what is pleasing to one's palate. Except when it's not. Because the Pussycat Dolls are the Chef Boyardee Beefaroni of music. Sure you can like it, but make the argument that it's actually good and you run into problems.

The Grammys, in their desperation for ratings and relevance, nominate these artists on the basis of popularity in the vain hope that their fans will tune in. Tune in to watch them give Record of the Year to some Old Guy They've Never Heard of Who Wins Because It Is The Only Name The Old Voters Recognized On The Ballot. Time to give it a rest already.

*But Billy Zane was snubbed.

Up next for Banishment...Television "Pre-Caps"** vs. Lenses That Adjust to Sunlight Levels

**Pre-cap: A clip shown before cutting to commercial revealing everything that happens in the next segment.

Words With Two Correct Spellings

Eddie Izzard closed the door on making fun of English orthography with his genius bit on how the spelling of the word "through" came about. While we are pretty much stuck with the reality that the letters "ough" can represent: 1) a long "u" sound: through, 2) an "f" sound: "enough"or 3) an "oh" sound: dough, it is troubling that the dictionary has been updated enough so that the word "crunk" now appears, but not enough to eliminate multiple correct spellings of commonly used words.

Apparently, the only time "Americanization" means to make anything smaller is as it applies to language, since we had the wherewithal* to eliminate those pesky "u"s from honor, flavor, etc. Although, I maintain that the "u" did serve a phonetic purpose, because we do not pronounce these words flav-ore or hon-ore as the spelling would suggest, but rather flav-uhr and hon-uhr...so do with that what you will.

Our good sense ends there, as we still retain many words with two "correct" spellings, in most cases because of their British roots. How do we explain to little Timmy that he is shortbus material if he spells cat "kat," but that he is free to spell gray "grey," judgment "judgement," or shoveling "shovelling?" Then tell him that exceling, however, MUST be spelled "excelling" and see if he has the wherewithall** not to kick you in the shins.

Time to make up our minds, Yanks.

*why is this spelled with only one "L"?
**that's for you, Timmy

Up next for Banishment: Styrofoam vs. The Grammys

Big Cars with Two Doors

Riding-style boots. David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. Sake. The last four Radiohead albums. Coconuts.

These things are all pretty difficult to get in to, but yield some reward if you have patience and resolve. Particularly if you are stranded on a desert island with the latter as your only form of nourishment. *

Also difficult to get in to? The backseat of cars with two doors! The lever pulling! The seat yanking! The head hitting! All the frustration inevitably resulting in "you know what? Let's take my car instead."

I do not begrudge small cars of the two-door variety. If the VW bug had four doors, I doubt any of them could accommodate a full-sized human. However, there is a Ford F-ing Explorer model with two doors. I'm sorry, but expect that my doors/MPG ratio is better than 1/6.

Next up for Banishment: Automated Pay Parking Garages vs. Words with two correct spellings

*What would a shipwreck movie be without a montage of the protagonist dropping and rock-bashing coconuts until finally devising a reliable way to get to the edible part? It would be a disappointment, that's what.

Stupid Baby Names

Like Crocs or mullets, stupid baby names initially felt too much like low hanging fruit. Then came Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Poor, doomed, Bronx Mowgli.

Firstly, please take a moment to say "Bronx Wentz" out loud five times in a row. As much as I would like to see poor little Bronx avoid the ranks of countless celebrity offspring relegated to "designing t-shirts" or "spinning records," the alternative is far scarier. If he manages to extricate himself and lands, say, in corporate America, some poor sap will have to answer the phone "Bronx Wentz's office" a hundred times a day. This will likely result first in lingual exhaustion, and then in murder-suicide.

And then there's the Mowgli. Mowgli. I hope this means that Pete and Ashlee have accepted that the best thing to do for their son would be to "lose" him in the Indian jungle so that he can be raised by a friendly bear. But I doubt it.

Also, just because his name ends in an "x" does not mean he gets to be automatic besties with Maddox, Pax, and Knox Jolie-Pitt. Maybe he'll have better luck with Sage Moonblood Stallone, Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp, or Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig Palin.

Next items up for Banishment: Big Cars with only 2 doors vs. The Cheesecake Factory

Special Thanksgiving Edition!

In light of the upcoming holiday, it seemed apropos to reflect on some things that will never incur the wrath of this particular blog. While I am most grateful for my amazing family/friends and for generally being dealt a royal flush in the poker game of life, here are some (random) other things this Banisher is thankful for:

Google Maps: Without this, I would have probably gotten lost trying to find my computer to write this entry.

Red Bull: Like coffee. Only awake-er.

Top 40 Radio: Just because I don't need to own "Single Ladies" or "Whatever you Like" does not mean I don't want to hear them. A lot.

Campbells Soup-at-Hand: For those times when even a spoon is one too many dishes to wash.

VH1's Celebreality: They now have a dating show where the prize is two men who were rejected by a woman called New York, who is famous for being rejected by Flavor Flav. Women are competing for Flavor Flav's castoff's sloppy seconds. The joke is on us and they are laughing all the way to the bank.

Being a child in the 90s: We had the best Disney movies, Nick in the Afternoon, and awesome teen idols. We still wanted to be astronauts when we grew up."Hope" was not a buzzword or something that had to be reclaimed. We could turn on the TV without being reminded that the Earth was melting or that there are organizations that hate and seek to destroy us. I hope we can get back to this place.

Have a safe and wonderful holiday. Stupid Baby Names are on the chopping block next Tuesday.

Joggers on Busy Streets

Forgive me if this post is too LA-specific, but this is a phenomenon I have also noticed in San Francisco and New York (where I suppose you could contend most streets are busy, but I digress).

Sitting on the patio at Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd., one of the most famed thoroughfares in Southern California, I counted eleven (11!) joggers going by.* It would be difficult to find a street to jog with more 1) stoplights 2) traffic 3) junkies** 4) smoke-filled outdoor patios. My companion at the time wagered that perhaps they were wannabe actors hoping to be discovered.

If that is the case, I would recommend these jogger-actors that reach out to the car-honkers, to see how many dates with women they have procured by laying on the horn as they drive by. I don't think the best first impressions are made as one party is in a blur of motion, but perhaps I am just old fashioned that way.

I understand it may be difficult to avoid busy streets all together, but what perplexes me is why these joggers choose noisy, polluted, congested streets as their route of choice as opposed to smaller streets in a residential neighborhood. Oh, and please stop trying to make me feel bad about being in your way. It's a sideWALK. Not a sideJOG.

*Bottomless Mimosa brunch, and no, I was not there all day
**Hurdles?

Next up for Banishment: Nail Art vs. Stupid Baby Names

Waiters Who Don't Write Down Orders

Doctor: We'll operate first thing in the morning!
Patient: I'm sorry doctor, but I couldn't help but notice you haven't written anything down in my chart since I was admitted.
Doctor: Well, that's because I am an excellent doctor.
Patient: Yes. I'm sure you are. But--
Doctor: No "buts." It's all up here (points to head). There's nothing to worry about really. It's a very minor procedure.
Patient: Really? A double-amputation is minor?
Doctor: Oh. You're not the appendectomy?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Hm. Well, I best be on my way before your friend here in Bed #1 wakes up. With no legs. And a ruptured appendix. Damn.

When a server does not write down your order, one of two things happen:

1) Your order arrives in a timely fashion and is correct down to the last detail. You are pleased, and you tip in a manner commensurate to how you ordinarily would for good service. You most likely do not even remember or care that the server did not write down your order.

2) Your order is incomplete/incorrect*/arrives out of order. Suddenly you are IRATE. If only they had written down your order, this could have been avoided. Why do they do this? Do they think I am impressed that they can get 90% of an order correct without writing it down? Well, guess what? There is no A- in Bringing me My Dinner. It is graded on a pass/fail basis. You FAIL.

It has come to my attention that many servers who do not write down orders are required not to by their employers. In these cases, those employers are the intended recipients of my ire. I also know that waiters and waitresses work very, very hard, and often have to deal with outrageously rude customers...it is just beyond me that they would forgo a rudimentary instrument that makes their lives so much easier.

*I said no cilantro.

Next up for Banishment: Joggers on busy streets vs. Second Life

AshleyMadison.com

For those of you who did not click the link, ashleymadison.com is a dating website for married people looking to have an affair. Their tagline: "Life is short. Have an affair." Originally, it was: "Life is short. Life is shorter if your spouse finds you on this website and there is a loaded gun in your house," but for some reason, that deterred a lot of potential clients.

As horribly painful as the admission of an impulsive bad decision or developing feelings for someone else would be, how in a million years could you soften the blow if your wife/husband found out you were using this service?!?! "Honey...I'm so sorry. I just wanted to sleep with someone else. Anyone else, really. Just so long as it wasn't you. So, yeah. This was totally premeditated and had nothing to do with being tempted by another specific individual or situation. My criteria? Just one. Not you."

I'm most intrigued by the people who run and profit off of this website. And how it is that they offer an affair guarantee program, for the most dedicated of cheaters. Not to sound all old school or square...but seriously. Where are your mothers? Oh! it's this guy. And in this interview, he says he would be "hurt beyond belief" if he found out his wife were using the site. *Head explodes.* Do unto others, indeed...

Next item to be Banished: Non-Stop CNN Ticker vs. Waiters/Waitresses who don't write down your order

Car Alarms

At some point our lives, a parent or teacher relates to us the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. By the tender age of three, we typically understand that screaming bloody murder for no reason will make it much more difficult to get attention when we actually need it. There are some exceptions.

So. Makers/buyers of car alarms. Did your parents not read to you when you were young? If they did, you were clearly not paying attention to the Wolf-crying Boy and his ensuing plight. I doubt there is a single instance in car alarms' entire history of someone hearing a car alarm and exclaiming, "Honey, a car alarm! Quick, call the police!...Nevermind there's no time for that we must STOP THE ROBBER!" Even if we accept that the sound will deter a robber once it has been set off...at that point they have already broken into your car.

Much like the parents of the wolf crier, we have become conditioned to ignore the shrieking of car alarms because we know that they are not indicators of any actual peril. The list of things more likely to set off a car alarm than a break-in is quite substantial: a neighborhood cat, a love-tap from another car, a grazing by a bicycle, a gust of wind, a statistically insignificant change in atmospheric pressure or temperature, an electrical malfunction of the stupid device itself, and so on.

Stop the noise pollution. Go lo-jack. Or go old school.

Next items up for Banishment: Ringback tones vs. AshleyMadison.com

The Wave

The wikipedia page for the wave features more than five persons or organizations claiming to have started it. This seems foolish. Now we know who you a-holes are...and that you want to take credit for it!

More than the sweaty drunk guy who feels the need to educate everyone in shouting range on exactly who "sucks."* More than the steadily depreciating quality of the giveaways.** More than the 16oz beer that costs as much as a seat in the bleachers.*** More than all of these things, the wave is the single greatest annoyance to a normal, non-ridiculous sporting event attendee.

Not only do I have to put all of my food on the ground and stand up, but you want me to raise my arms over my head and go "wooooo"? I'm sorry I thought we were adults. And that we were not on a roller coaster. Actually...I thought we were here TO WATCH AN F-ING BASEBALL GAME.

Originally, the "purpose" of the wave (if you can dignify it with such a thing), was to be a distraction to opposing pitchers. This has somehow gotten lost on the sophisticates who start the wave at critical pitching moments for home team. Nice work, morons.

*For the record, it's Barry
**If you try to give me a certificate that I have to redeem at Target, I will hurt you
***Where they don't serve beer, incidentally

Next up for Banishment...Saying "Bless You" re: a sneeze vs. Car Alarms

Undecided Voters

A special election day posting...tune in Thursday when the wave gets its comeuppance.

Yesterday, CNN estimated that as many as 5% of American voters may not have made up their minds about who to vote for: Barack Obama or John McCain.

One of the most exciting/inspiring things about this election has been Obama's ability to appeal to first-time or historically non-Democratic voters. But seriously...one day to go and you are still not sure? Obama. McCain. Obama. McCain. This is not tomayto tomahto, people. And we will certainly not be calling the whole thing off.

What are you "undecideds" waiting for? For someone to de-mask Obama Scooby-Doo style and reveal that he is actually Bill Clinton (or Hillary?)? For Ashton Kutcher to interrupt a McCain/Palin rally with Joe Lieberman and announce that the Republican party did not foist a gun-toting, evolution-non-believing, public-high-school-sized-town-governing woman upon him as a running mate...but that he had been punk'd? I would very much like to know what piece of information could possibly change your mind at this point!

Actually, I know who you are. You are that person who gets to the front of a 10-minute line at Subway, goes "uhhhh..." and then proceeds to select each topping with a pace suggesting that this is the first sandwich you have ever consumed in your human life. That person drives me bazooka bonkers. And so do you, undecided voter.

RESULTS: Wax Fruit vs. Nutrition Facts On Water Bottles

The case against Wax Fruit:
It almost does not seem fair to go after decorations for banishment. They are, by their very nature, frivolous and arbitrary; and any evaluation of them is strictly a matter of taste. Wax fruit, however, goes above and beyond.

OK, so you like the look of fruit. You know what is really inexpensive and would look quite pretty in your country-French style kitchen? A BOWL OF F-ING FRUIT. If no one in your family likes to eat fruit, then maybe you shouldn't be paying homage to it. Fake flowers, while similarly deceptive, at least do not look delicious.

The case against Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles The adult human body is between 50-60% water. Really, these "nutrition facts" should just say, "Ingredients: YOU." Instead, we get a chart comprised completely of zeros because someone idiot out there is afraid that their water accounts for a % Daily Value of carbohydrates.

The one piece of information that might actually be relevant about bottled water, the mineral content, is relegated to 2 point font under "ingredients." I'm pretty damn sure that my water is devoid of dietary fiber, but it might be useful to know just how much Magnesium Oxide I am ingesting.

The Verdict:
In terms of uselessness, these two items are in a dead tie. However, in terms of ubiquity, water bottles seem to have the advantage. We need water to live, and even the most environmentally conscious sometimes have no choice but to reach for an Aquafina. Wax fruit, while annoying, is not as closely associated with an essence of life. So...Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles, I proclaim thee Banished!

Up Next for Banishment: The Wave (at Baseball games) vs. Chalkboards
Note: New entries will now appear Tuesday/Thursday...I flipped a coin between Esperanto and Wax Fruit for the playoffs, and since wax fruit won the whole category we can move on...

BANISHED PRESENTS: The Previously Pardoned Playoffs!

So, many of you have reached out to your resident Banisher to ask, "What happens to the things that lose? Will we ever have a chance to Banish them again? What r u wearin' right now?*"

Allow me to answer the first two questions with...an answer: the Previously Pardoned Playoffs! After every 12 entries, items narrowly escaping Banishment will be back up on the chopping block. In the polls, they are divided into two groups; you can vote in both. After all your votes are tallied, the two winning (losing?) entries will go head-to-head in a Very Special** Entry which will be posted on Thursday.

As usual, use the comments to make your case for the items that didn't get what was coming to them the first time around. And Banish away!!

*For this question, "many" refers to one stranger on MySpace with the username HardBod4U2Nite
**Like that episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills

Esperanto and Wax Fruit resulted in a tie at the last minute. I am still deciding what that means, but not to worry...they will have their comeuppance after the Previously Pardoned Playoffs.

Halloween Greeting Cards

Greeting card companies have taken a lot of flack over the years for their so-called "manufactured" holidays: Valentine's Day, Mothers'/Fathers' Day, Secretaries-turned-
Office-Professionals' Day, etc.

While there may be validity to those criticisms, the greatest hoodwink by the greeting card industry manages to somehow escape unscathed: they have convinced people that Halloween is an appropriate holiday for the exchanging of cards!

Halloween is a hedonistic holiday of excess (whether the sugar is in Snickers form or of the fermented liquid variety, Halloween revelers of all ages tend to have upset tummies the day after). Its history is pagan, and the theme is death. All the self-sticking cartoon skeletons and Jack-o-Lantern Peeps you can eat do not change the fact that this "holiday" is inexorable from its dead-mingling-with-the-living roots.

So, before you send a loved one a $4 card adorned with some warm-fuzzied version of a truly macabre symbol, consider whether they'd rather just have a phone call instead.

Next up for Banishment: Esperanto or Wax Fruit

Prescription Drug Ads

These ads are so Banish-worthy that it is almost difficult to be too hard* on them. They are either totally ambiguous or creepily TMI-y: universally irritating but in contradictory ways.

Psychiatric drugs typically fall into the first camp. If we believe the ads, these drugs all possess the ability to transform one's world from black and white to beautiful Technicolor in bizarrely Oz-ian fashion. Also, with a prescription, the likelihood of a significant other, golden retrievers, balloons, and proximity to a beach/meadow for convenient frolicking is enhanced.

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the over-explaining if-your-erection-lasts-more-than-five-hours-seriously-you-
let-it-go-on-for-that-long? offenders. In a country that almost picked up the red phone over Janet Jackson's partially exposed breast, how are commercials about boner drugs given a pass? How are our nation's parents answering the question, "Daddy, what is e.d. and what does it have to do with Elvis?"

These criticisms pale in comparison to the most Banish-worthy characteristic of prescription drug ads: they are among the only commercials on television for things you can't actually buy.** You shouldn't be "asking your doctor" about pills...they should be evaluating your symptoms and prescribing them based on their analysis. That's why they have the fancy ",MD." on their business cards and you don't.

*that's what she said, pre-Cialis
**except on the internet or in the countries bordering ours in either direction

Next up for Banishment: Frisee or Halloween Greeting Cards

Warm Air Hand Dryers

Warm air hand dryers share a damning trait with the recently banished erasable pens; their names are an outright lie. These dryers "dry" no more than erasable "erase" no more than "magic" markers are actually freaking magic.

The diagram on the dryer instructs you to lightly rub your hands together under the warm air. A more appropriate diagram would include the following steps 1) Search in vain for alternate drying possibilities, 2) Violently shake wet hands, 3) Press Button, 4) Place hands under dryer, rub gently, 5) Repeat steps 3-4 until hands are dry or someone gets worried and comes looking for you, 6) Give up. Wipe hands on pants.

We try to be environmentally friendly over here at Banished. However, it seems (to others too!) that the carbon footprint left behind by one (especially recycled) paper towel is comparable to if not smaller than an energy-powered drying cycle (or 12...if you actually want dry hands).

Yes we are a nation of children who can't be trusted with access to unlimited paper towels because we might throw them all on the floor and have a pretty paper princess party, but the technology now exists to ration us to one towel at a time! Install these instead!

Next up for Banishment: Commercials for Prescription Drugs or Trick Birthday Candles

Chain Emails

A conversation between two friends in a car:

Friend A: Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Friend B: Thanks for that completely unsolicited nugget of wisdom!

Friend A: You're so very welcome. Now, pass it along to 8 friends.

Friend B: Um. I don't think I will.

Friend A: Unless you want something bad to happen to your loved ones, you will.

Friend B: What?

Friend A (hands friend B a cell phone): Yeah. Sorry, but that's the consequence for accepting my completely unsolicited nugget of wisdom. You have to pass it along or bad things will happen to you. Start dialing
Friend B: F*$# that! I would have rather you not opened your stupid mouth in the first place!

We don't do this to our friends and family in person, so how did it become acceptable to do it over email?

For even the most hocus-pocus-averse, there is still a moment of pause when an email forcasts doom for you and/or your loved ones unless you follow its instructions. What if I DON'T forward it and something bad happens!?!? I will NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

Next time you feel the urge to forward a chain letter, remember this: everyone who hates chain letters (read: everyone) is silently hating you for it. If you are superstitious enough to believe in chain letters, you should probably believe in karma as well. And all of that bad karma you're accumulating by forwarding the letter? I'd venture that forcasts a whole lot more misfortune for you than for the innocent recipient of your email guilt-bomb.

Next up for Banishment: Bolo Ties or Warm Air Hand Dryers

Clear Bra Straps

Picture, if you will, the Venn diagram for "clear" and "invisible." Items in the "clear" circle might include glass, ice, and saran wrap.*

Some possibilities for the "invisible" portion of the diagram: sound/radiation waves, germs, The Invisible Man, fans in the expensive seats at Dodger Stadium in the 1st and 9th innings of regular season games.**

In the shaded intersection of the two circles you would find...nothing! That is because something that is clear by definition cannot also be invisible. If clear = invisible, how could you see something to recognize that it is clear? You could not!

So why clear bra straps? They are not, per the above, invisible. If anything, they scream "Look at me! Look at my tacky plastic straps! You'd have to be out of your G-D mind to wear a strapless bra with this dress!" They call attention to the very feature you sought (presumably) to conceal!

While clear bra straps may not be invisible...they are Banished. Which is the next best thing.

*unless this Venn Diagram is a Scientologist, in which case a "clear" is: "a being who no longer has his own reactive mind, and therefore suffers none of the ill effects the reactive mind can cause." I'm unclear as to the meaning of that sentence.

**nonetheless, Go Dodgers

Next up for Banishment: Chain Emails or Coroñita (the small Coronas)

Pennies

All that is wrong with pennies is evident in the notion of a "lucky penny." The driving force to pick a penny up is not "hey, free money!" but rather, "I irrationally believe that this completely ordinary and totally ubiquitous coin may bring me some sort of good fortune!"

Whether they are in a sea at the bottom of a purse (women) or a giant pile on the desk/dresser (men), pennies are essentially trash that you feel bad about throwing away because, hey, it's money. Only a crazy/disgustingly spoiled person throws away money!

So we save them. For parking meters? Nope! For laundry? Out of luck! For pay phones (if you can find one)? Sorry! They have no use for your "money" either. That brief feeling of elation that comes when you hand a cashier $5.01 for a $4.96 purchase? It comes only because you successfully avoided being inconvenienced with four additional pennies.

Our great President Lincoln deserves better. If the treasury insists on keeping these utterly useless and infuriating-in-every-way coins in circulation, I can think of one current president of the United States who might be a more appropriate representative.

Next up for Banishment: Tandem Bicycles or Clear Bra Straps

Strollers for Dogs

"Walk! Is that what you said, walk? I know that word! Hell...YES! I can't f-ing wait to take a walk! So many places I want to urinate! So many cars to chase until I choke myself on my own leash! So many dogs for me to bark at! Particularly those larger and scarier who could eat me for a snack if they weren't on leashes! I will taunt them! This is so exciting!

Wait, what's that? You want me to get in there? That looks suspiciously like the thing you put me in to go to that old woman's house that smells like Ben Gay and cat litter. F that. I thought you said "walk." I even know "walk" when you spell it out "w-a-l-k." It's not an f-ing secret.

This is different. We are not in the car. We are outside! I can see everything I want to smell and lick but I am trapped in this mesh prison! I am so close but yet so far! Look a dog!

He is laughing at me! I am being laughed at by an f-ing Bichon Frise! Curses! What did I do to deserve this? I swear I didn't poop in the house! If you found something your stupid three-year-old probably did it. Don't you think he looks a little slow? I do! Take him for a walk in this stupid thing! Maybe the fresh air will wake up his one dormant brain cell!"

If your dog can walk, let it.

Next items up for Banishment: Axe/Tag Body Spray or Pennies
Voting closes at 12:00pm PST on Monday!

Erasable Pens

"Erasable¹ pens were tremendously popular when they were introduced in the early 1980s.² They combine the readability³ of brightly colored or black ink with the eraser functionality⁴ of a pencil.⁵"

5 issues with the above statement:

1. Erasable. A new red sock washed in hot water with the whites leaves less evidence behind than so-called "Erasable" ink.

2. [popular in the] early 1980s. Et tu, shoulderpads?

3. Readability. If you know how to read, then isn't see-ability the same thing as readability? As long as we are not in the realm of invisible ink, shouldn't the burden of readability be on the reader, rather than the read-ee?

4. Eraser functionality. Again, this gives the impression that the erasers actually function to erase rather than smear the gooey ink-like substitute until the paper is so distressed that you are forced to white out the error...exactly the course of action you would have taken if you made the error with a traditional pen.

5. Pencil. Exactly.

No one is impressed that you did your crossword in erasable ink. Just like they are not impressed with your temporary tattoo.

After 73 votes were cast, erasable pens edged out pee-ing dolls by only 1 vote! Next items up for Banishment: Strollers for Dogs or Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles

Watches/Clocks with No Numbers

Timepieces, like cars, homes, and clothing, dwell squarely at the intersection of form and function. The fact that the market is limited for cars without engines, homes without roofs, and pants without crotches*, would seem to indicate that we do not hold timepieces to the same "function" standard as their counterparts. Because clocks and watches without numbers are f*@#ing everywhere.

With very few notable exceptions the primary function of any timepiece is to tell time. To their credit, clocks without numbers do indeed keep track of the time. However, they do a appalling job of communicating that time, rendering them about as useful as an English-to- Gobbledygook phrasebook. The question, "what time is it?" should never be a stumper.

Proponents of watches and clocks without numbers ask that we excuse them on grounds of aesthetics or luxury. There are limits to such exemptions in other areas, so why not in time-telling?

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
Driver: No officer, this is a very nice car.
Office: Excuse me?
Driver: Oh, forgive me, commoner! You did not actually think my speedometer was equipped with numbers! (to passenger) I find that quite diverting!
Passenger: I say! How very diverting indeed!

*I said limited, not non-existent.

Next items up for banishment: Erasable Pens or Dolls that Wet Themselves

Orange Juice with Pulp

Customer: Can I get a beer?
Bartender: Sure...would you like that with hops or no hops?
Customer: Huh?
Bartender: Do you want little remnants of the stuff used to make the beer floating in it?
Customer: Ew. No. Why would I want that?

EXACTLY.

We don't want hops in our beer, leaves in our iced tea, or curd in our milk, so why do we want things floating in our orange juice? A toothpick should not be required after consuming a beverage*

Minute Maid: you are not fooling anyone with your pulp. Your juice comes in a carton! We know it is not fresh-squeezed! The cat is out of the bag (and she hates your pulp too)! How is it even possible to have orange juice with pulp that is "from concentrate?" Do they dry and then rehydrate the pulp? Is the "concentrate" just a thick, pulp-y sludge like the frozen OJ? Either way, YUM!

Also, could the word "pulp" be any grosser? Go ahead and say it a few times out loud if you think you still want it in your orange juice.

*exception: mojito

Next items up for banishment: Vanity License Plates or Watches/Clocks with No Numbers (vote now in the comments!)

Ashtrays in Airplane Bathrooms

Things that have happened since the first ban on smoking on airplanes was enacted in 1988:

1) The Berlin wall is dismantled
2) The US, USSR*, Japan and eleven European countries collaborate to build and launch into orbit the first International Space Station
3) *USSR stops being the "USSR" (which, oddly, does not get James Bond to leave it alone)
4) The food pyramid, suggesting that humans consume 6-11 (11?!) servings of carbohydrates each day, is "re-evaluated"
5) Every member of the 2008 Chinese Women's Gymnastics Olympic team is born, becomes an Olympian.
6) State-of-the-art tamper-proof smoke detectors are installed in airplane bathrooms

Things that have not happened since the first ban on smoking on airplanes was enacted in 1988:
1) Ashtrays are removed from airplane bathrooms (or lavatories...as they are called absolutely nowhere else).

As the war among airlines to appear the most up-to-date wages on (Virgin: Electrical outlets and touch-screen ordering right at your f&*#ing seat! Beat that JetBlue!), they inexplicably allow the most conspicuous indicators of how old their aircrafts really are to remain.

Did the individual who installed the smoke detector, the "no smoking" sign, AND the "tampering with this device will result in a $200 million fine and possible dismembering/internment in Cambodian prison" sign, look around the bathroom and say to himself, "My work here is done! There is nothing else I could possibly do to make it clear that you are not allowed to smoke in here!"? (ed. note to installer: At least put the sign over the ashtray!)

Perhaps the deep, dark secret is that somehow these ashtrays are a critical component of the aircraft's engineering, and removing them would require a complete mechanical overhaul to the tune of billions of dollars per fleet. Don't think so? Me either.

Next items up for Banishment: Ticketmaster, or Orange Juice with Pulp

Push to Talk

Calling or texting not immediate enough for you? Do you sit back and think "Gosh, I wish the person I want to speak to could hear my voice immediately...no pesky ringing or vibrating to clue them in to my intrusion!" Do you crave the garbled, crackling sound quality only a walkie-talkie (or a drive through window!) can offer?

You don't, you say? Shocking! But apparently Verizon/Cingular/Various pay-as you go (criminals! inquire within!) cell phone services think you do!

One can only imagine the conversations that gave rise to this technology:

Engineer #1: You know what is so annoying?
Engineer #2: What?
Engineer #1: Answering my cell phone. I hate it!
Engineer #3: You know what I wish?
Engineer #1: That everyone in a 15 foot radius could hear both sides of my cell phone conversations!
Engineer #2: I think we might be on to something...

Oh! And just like a walkie-talkie...only ONE person can speak at a time. That's right. If you're pushing the button while the other person is talking, you won't be able to hear each other. Charming! A NEW technology that is exactly like an OLD technology that is vastly inferior to the technology of a regular cellular phone in every way.

Next items up for Banishment: Magazine Perfume Samples or Ashtrays in Airplane Bathrooms