RESULTS: Wax Fruit vs. Nutrition Facts On Water Bottles

The case against Wax Fruit:
It almost does not seem fair to go after decorations for banishment. They are, by their very nature, frivolous and arbitrary; and any evaluation of them is strictly a matter of taste. Wax fruit, however, goes above and beyond.

OK, so you like the look of fruit. You know what is really inexpensive and would look quite pretty in your country-French style kitchen? A BOWL OF F-ING FRUIT. If no one in your family likes to eat fruit, then maybe you shouldn't be paying homage to it. Fake flowers, while similarly deceptive, at least do not look delicious.

The case against Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles The adult human body is between 50-60% water. Really, these "nutrition facts" should just say, "Ingredients: YOU." Instead, we get a chart comprised completely of zeros because someone idiot out there is afraid that their water accounts for a % Daily Value of carbohydrates.

The one piece of information that might actually be relevant about bottled water, the mineral content, is relegated to 2 point font under "ingredients." I'm pretty damn sure that my water is devoid of dietary fiber, but it might be useful to know just how much Magnesium Oxide I am ingesting.

The Verdict:
In terms of uselessness, these two items are in a dead tie. However, in terms of ubiquity, water bottles seem to have the advantage. We need water to live, and even the most environmentally conscious sometimes have no choice but to reach for an Aquafina. Wax fruit, while annoying, is not as closely associated with an essence of life. So...Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles, I proclaim thee Banished!

Up Next for Banishment: The Wave (at Baseball games) vs. Chalkboards
Note: New entries will now appear Tuesday/Thursday...I flipped a coin between Esperanto and Wax Fruit for the playoffs, and since wax fruit won the whole category we can move on...

BANISHED PRESENTS: The Previously Pardoned Playoffs!

So, many of you have reached out to your resident Banisher to ask, "What happens to the things that lose? Will we ever have a chance to Banish them again? What r u wearin' right now?*"

Allow me to answer the first two questions with...an answer: the Previously Pardoned Playoffs! After every 12 entries, items narrowly escaping Banishment will be back up on the chopping block. In the polls, they are divided into two groups; you can vote in both. After all your votes are tallied, the two winning (losing?) entries will go head-to-head in a Very Special** Entry which will be posted on Thursday.

As usual, use the comments to make your case for the items that didn't get what was coming to them the first time around. And Banish away!!

*For this question, "many" refers to one stranger on MySpace with the username HardBod4U2Nite
**Like that episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills

Esperanto and Wax Fruit resulted in a tie at the last minute. I am still deciding what that means, but not to worry...they will have their comeuppance after the Previously Pardoned Playoffs.

Halloween Greeting Cards

Greeting card companies have taken a lot of flack over the years for their so-called "manufactured" holidays: Valentine's Day, Mothers'/Fathers' Day, Secretaries-turned-
Office-Professionals' Day, etc.

While there may be validity to those criticisms, the greatest hoodwink by the greeting card industry manages to somehow escape unscathed: they have convinced people that Halloween is an appropriate holiday for the exchanging of cards!

Halloween is a hedonistic holiday of excess (whether the sugar is in Snickers form or of the fermented liquid variety, Halloween revelers of all ages tend to have upset tummies the day after). Its history is pagan, and the theme is death. All the self-sticking cartoon skeletons and Jack-o-Lantern Peeps you can eat do not change the fact that this "holiday" is inexorable from its dead-mingling-with-the-living roots.

So, before you send a loved one a $4 card adorned with some warm-fuzzied version of a truly macabre symbol, consider whether they'd rather just have a phone call instead.

Next up for Banishment: Esperanto or Wax Fruit

Prescription Drug Ads

These ads are so Banish-worthy that it is almost difficult to be too hard* on them. They are either totally ambiguous or creepily TMI-y: universally irritating but in contradictory ways.

Psychiatric drugs typically fall into the first camp. If we believe the ads, these drugs all possess the ability to transform one's world from black and white to beautiful Technicolor in bizarrely Oz-ian fashion. Also, with a prescription, the likelihood of a significant other, golden retrievers, balloons, and proximity to a beach/meadow for convenient frolicking is enhanced.

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the over-explaining if-your-erection-lasts-more-than-five-hours-seriously-you-
let-it-go-on-for-that-long? offenders. In a country that almost picked up the red phone over Janet Jackson's partially exposed breast, how are commercials about boner drugs given a pass? How are our nation's parents answering the question, "Daddy, what is e.d. and what does it have to do with Elvis?"

These criticisms pale in comparison to the most Banish-worthy characteristic of prescription drug ads: they are among the only commercials on television for things you can't actually buy.** You shouldn't be "asking your doctor" about pills...they should be evaluating your symptoms and prescribing them based on their analysis. That's why they have the fancy ",MD." on their business cards and you don't.

*that's what she said, pre-Cialis
**except on the internet or in the countries bordering ours in either direction

Next up for Banishment: Frisee or Halloween Greeting Cards

Warm Air Hand Dryers

Warm air hand dryers share a damning trait with the recently banished erasable pens; their names are an outright lie. These dryers "dry" no more than erasable "erase" no more than "magic" markers are actually freaking magic.

The diagram on the dryer instructs you to lightly rub your hands together under the warm air. A more appropriate diagram would include the following steps 1) Search in vain for alternate drying possibilities, 2) Violently shake wet hands, 3) Press Button, 4) Place hands under dryer, rub gently, 5) Repeat steps 3-4 until hands are dry or someone gets worried and comes looking for you, 6) Give up. Wipe hands on pants.

We try to be environmentally friendly over here at Banished. However, it seems (to others too!) that the carbon footprint left behind by one (especially recycled) paper towel is comparable to if not smaller than an energy-powered drying cycle (or 12...if you actually want dry hands).

Yes we are a nation of children who can't be trusted with access to unlimited paper towels because we might throw them all on the floor and have a pretty paper princess party, but the technology now exists to ration us to one towel at a time! Install these instead!

Next up for Banishment: Commercials for Prescription Drugs or Trick Birthday Candles

Chain Emails

A conversation between two friends in a car:

Friend A: Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Friend B: Thanks for that completely unsolicited nugget of wisdom!

Friend A: You're so very welcome. Now, pass it along to 8 friends.

Friend B: Um. I don't think I will.

Friend A: Unless you want something bad to happen to your loved ones, you will.

Friend B: What?

Friend A (hands friend B a cell phone): Yeah. Sorry, but that's the consequence for accepting my completely unsolicited nugget of wisdom. You have to pass it along or bad things will happen to you. Start dialing
Friend B: F*$# that! I would have rather you not opened your stupid mouth in the first place!

We don't do this to our friends and family in person, so how did it become acceptable to do it over email?

For even the most hocus-pocus-averse, there is still a moment of pause when an email forcasts doom for you and/or your loved ones unless you follow its instructions. What if I DON'T forward it and something bad happens!?!? I will NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

Next time you feel the urge to forward a chain letter, remember this: everyone who hates chain letters (read: everyone) is silently hating you for it. If you are superstitious enough to believe in chain letters, you should probably believe in karma as well. And all of that bad karma you're accumulating by forwarding the letter? I'd venture that forcasts a whole lot more misfortune for you than for the innocent recipient of your email guilt-bomb.

Next up for Banishment: Bolo Ties or Warm Air Hand Dryers

Clear Bra Straps

Picture, if you will, the Venn diagram for "clear" and "invisible." Items in the "clear" circle might include glass, ice, and saran wrap.*

Some possibilities for the "invisible" portion of the diagram: sound/radiation waves, germs, The Invisible Man, fans in the expensive seats at Dodger Stadium in the 1st and 9th innings of regular season games.**

In the shaded intersection of the two circles you would find...nothing! That is because something that is clear by definition cannot also be invisible. If clear = invisible, how could you see something to recognize that it is clear? You could not!

So why clear bra straps? They are not, per the above, invisible. If anything, they scream "Look at me! Look at my tacky plastic straps! You'd have to be out of your G-D mind to wear a strapless bra with this dress!" They call attention to the very feature you sought (presumably) to conceal!

While clear bra straps may not be invisible...they are Banished. Which is the next best thing.

*unless this Venn Diagram is a Scientologist, in which case a "clear" is: "a being who no longer has his own reactive mind, and therefore suffers none of the ill effects the reactive mind can cause." I'm unclear as to the meaning of that sentence.

**nonetheless, Go Dodgers

Next up for Banishment: Chain Emails or Coroñita (the small Coronas)

Pennies

All that is wrong with pennies is evident in the notion of a "lucky penny." The driving force to pick a penny up is not "hey, free money!" but rather, "I irrationally believe that this completely ordinary and totally ubiquitous coin may bring me some sort of good fortune!"

Whether they are in a sea at the bottom of a purse (women) or a giant pile on the desk/dresser (men), pennies are essentially trash that you feel bad about throwing away because, hey, it's money. Only a crazy/disgustingly spoiled person throws away money!

So we save them. For parking meters? Nope! For laundry? Out of luck! For pay phones (if you can find one)? Sorry! They have no use for your "money" either. That brief feeling of elation that comes when you hand a cashier $5.01 for a $4.96 purchase? It comes only because you successfully avoided being inconvenienced with four additional pennies.

Our great President Lincoln deserves better. If the treasury insists on keeping these utterly useless and infuriating-in-every-way coins in circulation, I can think of one current president of the United States who might be a more appropriate representative.

Next up for Banishment: Tandem Bicycles or Clear Bra Straps

Strollers for Dogs

"Walk! Is that what you said, walk? I know that word! Hell...YES! I can't f-ing wait to take a walk! So many places I want to urinate! So many cars to chase until I choke myself on my own leash! So many dogs for me to bark at! Particularly those larger and scarier who could eat me for a snack if they weren't on leashes! I will taunt them! This is so exciting!

Wait, what's that? You want me to get in there? That looks suspiciously like the thing you put me in to go to that old woman's house that smells like Ben Gay and cat litter. F that. I thought you said "walk." I even know "walk" when you spell it out "w-a-l-k." It's not an f-ing secret.

This is different. We are not in the car. We are outside! I can see everything I want to smell and lick but I am trapped in this mesh prison! I am so close but yet so far! Look a dog!

He is laughing at me! I am being laughed at by an f-ing Bichon Frise! Curses! What did I do to deserve this? I swear I didn't poop in the house! If you found something your stupid three-year-old probably did it. Don't you think he looks a little slow? I do! Take him for a walk in this stupid thing! Maybe the fresh air will wake up his one dormant brain cell!"

If your dog can walk, let it.

Next items up for Banishment: Axe/Tag Body Spray or Pennies
Voting closes at 12:00pm PST on Monday!

Erasable Pens

"Erasable¹ pens were tremendously popular when they were introduced in the early 1980s.² They combine the readability³ of brightly colored or black ink with the eraser functionality⁴ of a pencil.⁵"

5 issues with the above statement:

1. Erasable. A new red sock washed in hot water with the whites leaves less evidence behind than so-called "Erasable" ink.

2. [popular in the] early 1980s. Et tu, shoulderpads?

3. Readability. If you know how to read, then isn't see-ability the same thing as readability? As long as we are not in the realm of invisible ink, shouldn't the burden of readability be on the reader, rather than the read-ee?

4. Eraser functionality. Again, this gives the impression that the erasers actually function to erase rather than smear the gooey ink-like substitute until the paper is so distressed that you are forced to white out the error...exactly the course of action you would have taken if you made the error with a traditional pen.

5. Pencil. Exactly.

No one is impressed that you did your crossword in erasable ink. Just like they are not impressed with your temporary tattoo.

After 73 votes were cast, erasable pens edged out pee-ing dolls by only 1 vote! Next items up for Banishment: Strollers for Dogs or Nutrition Facts on Water Bottles